Gary Made Me Cry

As I enter Week Two of podcasting for Gary Kayye's class, Branding of Me, in the Hussman School of Journalism and Media, I want to reflect more deeply on why I chose to willingly record, edit, and produce audio of me talking despite my distaste of the sound of my own voice. Do I even listen to podcasts in my own time? No, I do not. Have I had any experience creating podcasts before? No, I have not. Needless to say, my first episode was more of a trial run and I am super grateful for Allison for helping me crash test my podcasting skills. But I couldn't help but compare my work to that of my classmates. Everyone was writing or producing much more thoughtful content. Their personal brand was so clear and their blogs reflected it. Kudos, guys.

So was I just trying to get out of the alternative to write two weekly blog posts because I didn't know what to write about? Maybe a little bit at first. The idea popped into my head as something fun to do, but there was a lingering why that I recognized was there, but didn't look too far into what it really was.

Why did I start a podcast? How does calling my friends and asking them about their interests have anything to do with my personal brand? Was I just trying to deflect the focus on myself to someone else?

When I was trying to brainstorm things I would instead blog about, I really struggled. I don't like to write about myself and my thoughts and feelings and share them online. Someone might read between the lines and end up knowing more about me than I know myself. Embarrassing. So I went back to the basics and thought about what I could do to show not tell who I am, who I want to be, and what I seek to do to get there.

I recently applied for Ogilvy's Summer Internship Program, which asked me to explain my bold ambition in under 500 words. I tried to be thoughtful and authentic, telling the recruiting managers reading it that my bold ambition was not work-related, but rather to make time for the people I love and make a positive impact in their lives. It was difficult to write about how I came to that realization, so I suppressed the accompanying feelings and moved on...

Until Thursday night in Gary's class, where he sought to help his students find their passions and their why by sharing how a painful personal experience changed the way he went about his life. That class made me really get in tune with all the feelings and realities of understanding the bigger picture in my own life. I reflected on my own painful personal experiences that had similar effects on myself and (oops) starting crying in class. Yikes, emotions. I smashed the "turn off camera" button until the end of the virtual class and emailed Gary later, apologizing for appearing disengaged with his story by not showing my face.

At first I didn't want to share the real reason I chose to start a podcast, but after forcing myself to make sense of my reaction to Gary's class, I feel it's important to share my thoughts to understand the why of my personal brand...it is a personal branding class, after all. 10/10 effectiveness, Gary. Thank you. Here goes nothing.

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Death is important. Death is a part of life. You hear it all the time, but it doesn't have the same impact if you've never experienced the passing of a loved one. The passing of those you love, especially those who pass away young and suddenly, force you to realize what you really value and push you toward your non-professional goals. Why do those people have to die young? The only answer that makes sense to me: the best people die young. People who make the absolute most of every moment. People who live life to the fullest and successfully balance relationships and achievement. Maybe the world is too scared of perfection. Not necessarily perfect people, but people with perfect balance in their lives.

My cousin Alex showed me that adversity has absolutely nothing on attitude, and his passing two years ago urged me to stop letting my tunnel vision to reaching my professional goals obstruct my ability to connect with my family. I'm looking at you, National Field Hockey Festival.

My high school friend Alden showed me how simply being genuine, thinking of others and putting others first can have a tremendous impact on those people’s lives, and his passing this summer inspired me to be more thoughtful and connect more deeply and more frequently with those like him who would always put me first. Despite where they move to, despite how long it’s been since I’ve talked with them, despite the small number of mutual friends, and despite the seemingly short list of things I think we have in common.

In the past I found it very difficult to stay connected with everyone I was acquainted with. It was honestly exhausting. This summer I read Jon Gordon's The Energy Bus: 10 Rules to Fuel Your Life, Work, and Team with Positive Energy as part of my participation in the Richard A. Baddour Leadership Academy's Summer Intensive Program. The book taught me to give energy to those who "get on your bus" and lift you up, share your values, and want to see you succeed and help you along the way, not necessarily everyone you come in contact with. Okay, that helps. But how do I know where my bus is going?

Ah, 2020. The worst year ever, but also the year with the most lessons. The most polarizing year, but also the year that helped me discover what I believe in and what I'm passionate about. Am I the only one who feels like I aged 5 years because of 2020?

I understand who I am. I understand what I want and who I want to be. I was hesitant to share how I came to this realization because I know that Alex and Alden wouldn't want me to be sad or dwell on the past with regrets and guilt. Knowing I could have made an effort to be closer with both of them, I also didn't want to use either of their passings as an application booster or as a reason for people to pity me. But now that I've leaned into the discomfort of understanding how they've both left a deep impression on my life, I've also come to understand how they both played a crucial role in me finding what's important in life.

My weird, amateur podcast (which I actually don't even know if it counts as a podcast) is more than an excuse to not write thoughtful blogs. I'm not writing to explore my personal brand because I know what I want my personal brand to be. Instead, this podcast is my baby step toward putting my desired personal brand to action. It's hard for me to reach out to people sometimes. This podcast gives me an excuse to reach out and connect, or reconnect, with people I love and care about.

I struggled to find a way to celebrate Alex's life and Alden's life without coming off as selfish or disingenuous. Now I feel a great way to celebrate their lives is by turning the lessons they have gifted me into action.

Thank you, Gary, for making me cry in class. Thank you Alex and thank you Alden, for every moment.